Day 360: Why Do I Always Disappoint You?

Hello Future Self

News… My foolish brother has come over to visit for their weekend.

I’m glad.

Future Self, I always hear people say, you can start over at any age.

You aren’t done until you’re dead.

I have no such hopes.

I address you as a stranger because I somehow hope that you have moved past me, past this thing I am right now.

But as I get closer to saying goodbye to you, I can see that there’s been no change to the person I was a year ago.

I am still weak, spineless and useless as I’ve always been.

I guess some people are just incapable of change.

Goodnight.

Day 358: A Future Unseen, Unknown, Unimagined

Hello Future Self

You know, a few times I have come on here and proudly told you:

“I HAVE FOUND MY PURPOSE “

in sure you have realized by nowhere that it’s been utter nonsense.

At the base of it, I want to be useful.

The world is too full of people used to just taking and consuming.

I am one such person.

Future Self, I am utterly terrified about what the future looks like for you.

As I am at this moment in time, and I was a gambling person, I wouldn’t hedge anything of value against me.

I am just a sad, mostly unfeeling bag of meat.

Unable or merely Unwilling to come to terms with my own existence.

On that lovely note, I bid you….

Goodnight.

Day 355: Can We Mourn The Living?

Hello Future Self

Sometime next week, your chapter in my life will be closed.

I feel I must get everything out in the days I have remaining with you.

The date is 03 May 2021.

The mistakes we make have far reaching consequences for those around us.

I got news in the morning that my brother could have been killed as no one was able to find him.

It was a very real possibility and something that we all expect to happen one of these days.

He is troubled, more so than me.

I fear we don’t know how to help him.

The parents are already mourning him as if he’s already dead.

I am careless with my existence but it’s contained to myself.

I have ensured to limit my existence to a very small circle of people.

I cannot kill myself but I have not come to grips that I’m alive.

He has gone the other way.

Goodnight.

Day 353: Unachievable

Hello Future Self

When it gets cold, even just a little bit cold, I get extreme Pernio and my hands hurt like hell.

Also me, I speak of and have a fervent desire to live near the arctic.

Now I know I’m not all that stupid, so is this desire real or is it something I use as a shield?

Knowing it can never come to pass so I can never fail at it?

Goodnight.